


if you can hold me like you used to (cause I never hated myself more)

by sweetheartshumjr



Series: the (not so) calm before the storm [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Good Friend, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Sweetheart, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Dreams, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, M/M, Protective Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, THIS TIME IT IS A HAPPY ENDING I PROMISE, a bit OOC, post-putting others first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:41:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24112969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetheartshumjr/pseuds/sweetheartshumjr
Summary: Part two of "the (not so) calm before the storm"Virgil has a nightmare. But it isn't his.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders
Series: the (not so) calm before the storm [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1739815
Comments: 17
Kudos: 178





	if you can hold me like you used to (cause I never hated myself more)

He felt like he was in the void. Void filled with sharp thornes of the roses, that he so loved. But the buds of the flowers where nowhere to be seen. Just the thornes, that ripped through his white robes, got caught in his hair, made his hands bleed.

The sword seath was empty, so he couldn't cut his way through.

He needed something to protect himself. An armour. A shield. Anything. But all he got were his own bare hands, that the thornes would ruthlessly cut through, leaving the bloody scratches on them.

But that wasn't the worst.

Though he wished it could be silent, eveytime a thorn has cut his skin, the wind would softly blow and whisper in his ear.

The voices would be different, but the message would still be the same.

_That would be an amazing prank._

Cut.

_Because Roman would make ya sick._

Cut.

_I wouldn't know who the evil twin is._

Cut.

Tears have been falling from his face, while he was willing the voices to leave him alone.

But deep down he knew they were right.

He stopped abruptly, looking helplessly at his bloody hands. The voices were louder now.

_I am not feeling any love OR misery!_

He scoffed, hearing his own voice.

Back then he thought he would at least keep it in check. Or that maybe someone would react. But well. No-one did. So maybe he hid it well or maybe...

The thornes around him grew. They started to inch closer to him, as if fed by his own selfhatred.

 _How pathetic_ , he couldn't help but think. And yet, he didn't react.

He felt tired. Exhausted even.

_Your big admission is dwarfed by your gargantuan failures._

Failure. That's what he is.

The thornes were now at his legs, slowly winding around them.

It hurt. He knew it hurt but he felt numb to it.

_Let's talk about something we're both familiar with, Roman. Mistakes._

He sobbbed. The tears were falling to the ground.

So many mistakes he has made.

Maybe that's why they didn't need him?

The throny vices encircled him higher and higher, creating a sharp cocoon around him. The thorns were piercing him, little by little. But it didn't matter. Nobody would led him a helping hand right now. He has hurt too many to be even worthy of that.

So he let the vice grow. Maybe like that he'll finally rest. Maybe like that he finally won't hurt anyone.

The vices grew.

Virgil woke up with a start. He was breathing hard, so hard that it took him a few precious seconds to calm down and realize where he was and what has actually happened.

This wasn't his dream. That he was sure of. And he knew, who dreamed about it and has woken up as well. He could practically fell his anxiety through the door.

Virgil sighed.

Roman hasn't left his room since the last video. He allowed almost nobody to enter. The only person who could was Virgil, for what reason, he wasn't sure. Maybe because he was the first one to reach out to Roman after he sunk out?

But the creative side wasn't the only one who preferred staying in the room in the past few days. If Virgil were to be honest, he would say, that almost every side opted to not leave. Everyone avoided each other like the plague.

On the few rare occasions on which Virgil noticed any of them, they looked awful. Logan seemed tired. Patton had constant red rings around his eyes, probably from crying and he were always chewing on his lips. Virgil haven't seen either Janus or Remus, but he felt their anxiety as well.

All in all, everyone was a mess.

He lifted his covers and left the bed.

The nightmare worried him.

When a side was particularly anxious, Virgil could feel it. But when the anxiety was so hard that it caused the given side to have nightmares, it sometimes would manifest itself in Virgil's dreams.

That's exactly what happened now. And Virgil didn't like what he saw. Not even a little bit.

Quietly he opened the door to his room and stepped into the hallway.

He anxiously ran a hand through his hair, thinking.

_Promise me..._

Roman still didn't promise. And in the nightmare he had actually given up. And Virgil just... Had to check.

So he mustered whatever courage he had and walked straight to Roman's room.

Walking there, he couldn't help but notice how the hallway, and the Mind Palace itself, have changed.

Before the video it was warm, bright and welcoming, giving the familish, safety vibes, that Roman and Patton represented. After it , it looked more gloomy, cold and unwelcoming. Virgil couldn't help but wonder if that was because the two sides were so down recently.

Stopping in front of the door, he took in a big breath. His anxiety spiked.

What if Roman wouldn't want to talk with him? What if he wouldn't open the door? What if...

He has to try. For Roman's sake.

So he rose his hand and gently knocked.

The door flew open almost immediately, startling Virgil. But what it reviled, made his heart clench.

Roman were lying on the bed, curled in himself, just like he did, when he first came to check on him. His hands were in his hair, gripping it so hard that Virgil actually worried he'd rip them off. No sound escaped the side. The only thing that gave him away were his shaking shoulders.

"So you saw, huh?" he heard Roman's murmer. The side didn't even look at him. He just started blankly into the distance.

Virgil stepped into the room and quietly closed the door.

"Yeah" he said. Then after a moment he asked "Can I get closer?"

Roman shrugged.

"Sure. It's not like it matters anyways."

The bitterness in his voice caused the cleanch in Virgil's heart to grow stronger. He has never seen Roman in that state.

He sat at the edge of the bed.

He noticed the sash, that Roman used to wear, on the floor. Virgil furrowed his brows. The vibrant red was gone, replaced by a particulatly pale shade of pink. So pale, that it was almost white.

Virgil pressed his lips, trying to decide what to do.

While he himself wasn't a very touchy person, he knew Roman was. The creative side often needed to be touched to feel better. And though Virgil usually felt uncomfortable with that, he was willing to put his own feelings aside for Roman.

So he lifted his hand and started to rub comforting circles on Roman's back. It seemed to help a little, as the side's deathly grip on his hair eased up.

"How much have you seen?" Roman whispered, while still not looking at him. Virgil sighed. There's no point in lying now.

"I'm afraid that all of it" he admitted. Roman absentmindedly nodded his head.

"I see" he muttered. He let go of his hair to press them to his heart. "And what do you think about it?" he asked.

 _That I'm really worried about you_ , Virgil thought, but didn't dare to say this aloud. Roman was too deep into self-hatred right now. He'd take it as he was hurting Virgil because he dreamed about it and most likely use it to convince himself how bad of a person he was.

So Virgil just moved his hand up to the nape of Roman's head and started to comb through his hair.

"That you don't feel so good" he said, mentally cringing at how lame this had sound. Roman chuckled, but there was no humour behind it.

"You think?" he scoffed, with an edge in his voice. Virgil only pressed his lips.

For a moment there was only silence around the two of them. Finally Roman spoke up.

"I'm so tired, Virgil."

"I know" he said sadly.

"And you know... I just... Want to disappear. To finally rest."

Hearing that, Virgil tensed.

_How did you duck out?_

_Promise me..._

The echoes of their past conversation rang in his ears.

"Ro," he started, forcing himself to sound calmly. "you know you can't do it."

"And why not, Virgil!?" Roman suddenly snapped sitting up and finally turning to him.

Virgil muffled a gasp that almost escaped him when he saw Roman's face.

Skin pale, red-rimmed eyes and bags under them so dark, that they could rival his own.

"Why not!? I HAVE a replacement, you know! I have a twin, who would HAPPILY take my place! I am expendable! A failure! The one that makes a mistake after mistake and simply cannot seem to learn from them!"

Angry tears started to fall down from Roman's face as he screamed. He hid his face in his hands, making a strangled sound.

"You're not expandable" said Virgil, feeling his heart breaking a little, seeing his... His friend so devastated. "Nor are you replaceable."

Roman scoffed.

"Oh really?" he said bitterly. "How so? Because my ideas are flawless? Or maybe because my opinions are valued? So much that everyone would listen to them and actually take into consideration, huh?"

"Because you're you!" Virgil yelled back, shocking Roman into silence. The creative side dropped his hands, looking at him, startled. Virgil sighed.

"Roman" he began slowly, thinking about the next words he should use.

This was his moment to convince Roman to calm down and to start regaining his confidence. And Virgil will be _damned_ if he fucks it up.

He looked Roman straight in the eyes and has put one hand over his heart.

"Trust me, when I tell you this. You are not expendable. Nor you are replaceable. _You are Thomas' creativity._ His passion. You influence his happiness. It's you who drag him into the stage. Who makes him believe in himself. It's you who caused him to create his vines and his YouTube videos, against my judgment." He smiled softly at the memory of this, before continuing. " It's you who helps to create drafts for the episodes, who comes up with the themes. Who pushes Thomas through every audition, who comes up with alternative ways to his ideas. That cannot be replaced, Ro."

Roman was shaking. Virgil could only hope it was because of emotions. And those good ones.

Suddenly a phrase from the dream rang in his ears.

_Lend him a helping hand._

With one hand still pressed to his chest, he extended his other one torward Roman in an offering gesture.

"If... If you feel like you want to disappear, please, come to me, Ro. I can help. You deserve the help, okay? It doesn't make you weak or stupid. It's actually very smart and shows your _strength_. That you know that there's something wrong and that..." he stopped, seeing as Roman tried to avert his gaze. He couldn't let that happen.

Virgil let go of his chest in favour of gently putting two fingers under Roman's chin to turn his head in his direction. He smiled weakly, seeing the side's teary eyes. He used his thumb to gently wipe the ones that escaped and continued. "...and that you are _brave_ enough to fight. _Smart_ enough to ask for help, when you see there's something wrong going on with you. It doesn't make you a failure. Never ever that. It makes you a _victor_. Because it's a victory against self-hatred, Ro. A small one, but it's still a victory. And when you decide to go to fight with that, and trust me, it's going to be a long war, you're not going to be alone."

He stopped thinking back to the dream.

_He needed something to protect himself. An armour. A shield._

"I will be your shield, Roman" he said and Roman actually gasped. He started to shake his head, but Virgil pressed on "Because you deserve one."

"But... I have hurt you in the past! So how can you..."

At that Virgil has actually smiled.

"Because, and listen to this carefully, Romano, you _regretted it_ and you made a _conscious effort_ to improve. I told you earlier, I have noticed the effort that you try to dial down your insults and they are more playful, than anything else now. And if you could do that then, you still can do that now. You _are_ a good person, Roman. A good person, who, yes, has made some mistakes but is able to recognize them, apologize and is willing to improve. And that's what makes you different from Remus. That son of a..."

"Language" Roman muttered weakly. Virgil playfully rolled his eyes.

"That... Side never even apologised to you for smacking you with a mace from all of things. And honestly I cannot imagine Remus apologizing to anyone. Plus imagine how the Imagination would look like if Remus took the wheel."

Roman immediately shuddered at the thought, which made Virgil's lips quirk up. He was on the right path. So when Roman shook his head, trying to say something, Virgil didn't let him.

"And I know that you are confused because of the last video. Yes, Patton can be wrong, but that doesn't make him wrong about everything. And you have the qualities of the prince, Ro. You are _good_. You are kind. Just. Strong. Brave. And above all _, you are loved._ We all miss you."

During the conversation, Virgil inched a bit closer to Roman, and finally they were touching by their foreheads, which made both of the sides blush a bit because of the intimacy of the gesture.

The last sentences, Virgil whispered.

"All of us. Absolutely every single one. Patton worries about you so much. Logan as well, and yes I am sure of that, because he was the one who informed me first. Talk to them if you don't believe me. I assure you, they will agree with me." He took a shuddering breath. Now or never. "So, Roman... Take my hand. And I'll help you. I promise" he finished and held his breath.

For a long, scary moment Roman was just staring at him, teary eyed. His breathing grew quicker. But as Virgil was about to accept his defeat, suddenly one of Roman's hands shot up and grasped his extended one. The creative side used it as a leverage to pull Virgil closer and he hid his face in the crook of his neck.

"Please" he whined with a broken voice, scooting himself closer to the anxious side. " _Please_ , help me."

At that Virgil started to sob as well. He used is unoccupied hand to encircle them in a hug and enterwinded their fingers with the one that Roman held in his grip. He hid his face in Roman's hair and sighed.

He won this battle. He actually did it.

"I promise" he whispered. "I promise, I will."

And even though Roman still didn't promise him that he won't duck out, Virgil felt somewhat calmer. Because now...

Now there was some hope.

On the floor the sash gained colours.

**Author's Note:**

> I really wasn't planning on the second part, but you guys convinced me! I hope I've managed to meet your expectations!  
> Come and yell at me on tumblr @suibianbichen.  
> The title is a bit changed lyrics from cavetown's song "i promise, i'm trying"


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